Why Box Breathing Hasn’t Worked for You (And How to Actually Make It Work)
Over the past few weeks, we’ve been exploring what it means to build a healthier relationship with anxiety. We started by challenging the idea that anxiety is the enemy—instead, we learned to see it as something to befriend. From there, we asked: what does it actually take to build a real, sustainable relationship with anxiety? And last week, we dug into boundaries, using the 3 10’s to keep anxiety from running the show.
This week, we’re turning the focus inward—onto you. Because here’s the truth: if you’re not caring for yourself, nothing else will hold. Self-care isn’t just a trendy suggestion—it’s the foundation of every honest relationship, including the one you have with your anxiety.
You’ve probably heard it a hundred times: “Have you tried box breathing?” It’s a staple in therapy circles, but just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s ever been made personal. Maybe you gave it a shot, felt like you were just going through the motions, and figured it didn’t work. But the problem likely isn’t box breathing—it’s how you were introduced to it. You haven’t had the right setup. That’s what we’re going to change.
What Is Box Breathing?
Box breathing is a mini-reset for your body and mind. Inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and hold again for four. It’s like tracing the sides of a box with your breath—steady, even, contained. This simple rhythm can help calm your body and mind, pulling you out of fight-or-flight mode and into a state of grounded calm.
But here’s the catch: when anxiety hits, your breath tends to get shallow and fast. That’s normal. Box breathing can break that cycle—but only if you’re present with it. If you’re just going through the motions, checking boxes so you can say you did it, you’re missing the point entirely.
Why It Might Not Be Working for You
Box breathing isn’t broken. What’s usually missing is presence. If you’ve been treating it like a task to rush through, no wonder it didn’t land. To really feel the benefits, box breathing needs to become a practice of mindful connection with yourself.
Here’s how to set it up right:
1. Set the Scene
Before you even start, create the right environment. Find a space where you can slow down—no distractions, no multitasking. You can’t calm your nervous system if your mind is scattered. Get rid of the background noise, close the door, turn off your phone. If you’re trying to breathe deeply while your mind is still working on your to-do list, your body’s not going to get the message.
This is about making space for calm to enter, not pushing anxiety away. You’re not here to escape your thoughts—you’re here to create conditions where calm can settle in.
2. Engage With the Breath
This is where most people miss the mark. Box breathing isn’t just about counting—it’s about feeling.
When you inhale, really notice the air entering your body. Feel your chest rise, your ribs expand. When you hold, take note of the stillness—like a quiet pause between waves. As you exhale, feel your body soften, releasing tension. And in that final pause, just rest.
Think of it like meeting your anxiety for coffee. You’re not there to fix it, rush through it, or avoid it. You’re there to listen, to stay with it, and to create a space where it’s okay to simply be. This isn’t about controlling anything; it’s about being fully present with what’s happening inside you.
3. Be Patient
If it feels clunky at first, that’s okay. You’re not doing it wrong—you’re just human. Maybe your breath feels tight. Maybe your thoughts are racing. That’s normal. Box breathing isn’t about perfection—it’s about practice. The more you engage with your breath, the more familiar it will feel, and the easier it becomes to simply be with what’s present.
Over time, it becomes less about “doing it right” and more about showing up with awareness, every time you breathe.
4. Be Present
This isn’t about forcing yourself to relax. It’s about gently creating space for whatever’s there—your breath, your anxiety, your resistance, your calm. Sit quietly. Close your eyes. Let your breath guide your attention inward.
If your mind wanders (and it will), just come back to the rhythm. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Hold. No judgment. No rush. No expectation—just presence. This is your practice, your time to be with yourself in the moment.
Practice This Week
Set aside a few minutes each day to practice box breathing. Try it first thing in the morning or when you’re winding down before bed—before the anxiety spikes. Make it part of your routine, not just a last-minute solution. Notice how your body feels, even subtly. Observe the shifts.
Remember: you’re not trying to control your anxiety. You’re simply meeting it with care, presence, and patience. And when you do that, something starts to change. You begin to trust yourself more, and you start showing up for yourself, instead of battling what’s happening inside you.
Ready to Give It a Try?
Here’s your invitation: take five minutes. Find a quiet spot. Inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold again for four. But this time, bring your full attention to every step. Notice the air, the stillness, the release. Be curious.
If you’ve tried box breathing before and it didn’t seem to help, this small shift—slowing down and staying present—might be what was missing.
And if it still feels tough or confusing, reach out. I’m here to walk alongside you as you build a healthier, more compassionate relationship with your anxiety.
Remember: anxiety isn’t the enemy. And your breath? It’s not just air—it’s an anchor.
You’ve got this.
