Anxiety is Not the Enemy, So Stop Treating It Like One
I’ve been on this earth for 30 years, and I still deal with anxiety. I used to think I had to beat it, that if I just controlled everything—every plan, every interaction, every possible outcome—I’d finally feel at ease. I thought being responsible meant never letting anyone see me struggle. I thought I was in control.
But control is an illusion.
Like a lot of men, I grew up in a world where emotions weren’t talked about. Anxiety wasn’t something to understand; it was something to get rid of. If I admitted I was anxious, I’d hear, “Just stop worrying” or “Have you prayed about it?”—as if anxiety were a switch I could flip off.
So I carried it alone.
Most mornings, I woke up with a tight chest and a restless mind. Something always felt off, but I convinced myself this was just how life worked. And because I never learned how to sit with anxiety, I did what a lot of us do—I developed coping mechanisms that made me feel in control. People-pleasing kept me safe. Over-planning helped me avoid the unknown. The problem? These habits didn’t make the anxiety go away. They just distracted me from it.
Until distraction wasn’t enough anymore.
What I’ve come to realize over the years is that anxiety often points us back to a deeper part of ourselves—the part that’s calling out for our attention. It's not just about the stress of today, the worry about the future, or the shame of the past. It’s about something deeper inside us that’s trying to get us to listen, to reconnect with the forgotten parts of ourselves.
When we’re disconnected from that inner knowing, from the very things that make us whole, anxiety often comes knocking. It’s like a signal, telling us we’re out of balance, that we're not aligned with what truly matters to us. The truth is, we can’t outrun it. We have to turn toward it, listen closely to what it’s saying, and let it guide us back home to who we are at our core.
Most men are taught to handle anxiety alone. We’re told to fight it, push through, suppress it. But that's the problem: anxiety isn’t the enemy. It’s information. It’s trying to tell you something, and ignoring it only makes it louder.
Anxiety isn’t a villain. It’s a messenger. And if you want to stop feeling stuck in it, you have to stop treating it like something to fight.
You have to start listening.
Think about any real friendship. When you ignore, avoid, or push away a friend, what happens? Distance grows. Misunderstandings pile up. You feel more isolated, more disconnected. It’s no different with anxiety. A good friendship takes effort, patience, and risk. And so does learning how to have a healthy relationship with your anxiety. Just like a strong friendship has key elements—trust, communication, and boundaries—so does building a healthy relationship with anxiety.
This might sound strange, but in my experience, anxiety often holds the keys to our healing. When we stop pushing it away, when we stop fighting, we begin to see that anxiety is a friend. The way forward is not through control but through reconnection.
Over the next few weeks, we’ll explore what that looks like. How to listen to anxiety without letting it take over. How to set boundaries so it doesn’t run your life. Why the attempts you’ve made at mindfulness haven’t worked and how to do it differently. When it’s time to get support.
If you came here looking for a step-by-step guide to defeat your anxiety, you're about to be disappointed. But if you're tired—really tired—of the endless battle, then maybe it’s time to consider a different approach. Stick around. Let’s explore, week by week, how you can cultivate a genuine, healthier relationship with your anxiety, one that’s grounded in understanding rather than resistance.