Turning Toward: The Art of Seeing Men
Turning Toward: The Ancient Practice of Being Seen
In last weeks blog, we explored how a man's loneliness doesn’t come from needing help—it comes from not knowing the practice of articulating his needs. And deeper still, there is the greater pain of being emotionally dropped after taking the risk to express them. Many men I’ve worked with as a relationship therapist have shared the same heartache: “I told her what I needed, and I felt even more unseen, even more alone.” They took the risk, opened up, and let their vulnerability spill out—only to be met with blank stares, quick fixes, or worse, silence. In these moments, loneliness doesn't just stay; it deepens. It confirms the quiet, aching belief: No one really sees me.
This is the wound of our time. We move too fast. We rush to fix. We skim the surface, missing the deeper currents beneath. When we try to fix the men in our lives, we are not witnessing them—we are reinforcing the idea that their worth is conditional, measured by their ability to be fixed.
Before you can truly support someone, you must first understand them—understanding isn’t passive, it’s a practice of turning toward their story. Too often, we listen with the intent to fix, but this isn’t really listening; it’s control disguised as concern. To listen with the intention to understand—to truly turn toward—is to say, I see you as you are, and you don’t need to change for me to stay. This simple act of being truly seen changes everything. It shifts something deep within a man, allowing him not just to understand himself, but to accept himself.
The Practice of Turning Toward
Think of it this way: A builder doesn’t start construction without first understanding the structure they’re working with. They study the blueprint. If they skip this crucial step—if they rush in with a hammer before understanding the design—the whole thing will collapse.
The same applies to listening. If you rush to fix without understanding, you’re not building connection—you’re breaking it. Turning toward is the practice of taking the time to understand before taking action. It’s listening not to reply, but to comprehend. Not to correct, but to connect.
How It Works:
Listen to Understand: Understanding is the foundation of connection; without it, words become empty noise.
Be fully present. Silence the need to respond. Listen not just to his words but to what is beneath them.
When he pauses, offer a reflection: “What I’m hearing you say is…”
Check in: “Am I understanding you?”
If he says no, ask, “Where am I missing you?”
**Within this step is where a man practices articulating his needs. It is our responsibility to do this well—you can find more on this practice in last week’s blog, Articulating Your Needs: The Roadmap from Loneliness to Self-Acceptance.**
2. Respond to Like with Like: Connection begins when we honor the language the other person is speaking.
If he speaks from logic, meet him there.
If he speaks from emotion, let your response come from emotion..
3. Get Curious: Curiosity invites us to move beyond the surface and into the heart of what is truly being expressed..
What’s the story beneath the words? What’s the deeper truth calling to be heard?
Ask open-ended questions that allow his story to unfold in its fullness.
Mirror his words so he knows he is being held in that space of understanding.
4. Problem-Solve: This is a crucial step, but solutions mean nothing if the person doesn’t feel understood first.
Only after a man has been understood, fully seen, can the path forward begin to reveal itself.
This isn’t about “fixing.” It’s about providing the space for him to feel whole.
This is not a technique. It is a practice. A way of being in the world.
When men feel truly seen, their loneliness fades. The walls they’ve built for self-protection begin to lower. And true connection—the kind that nourishes—is born. This practice of turning toward is not just about connecting with others; it’s about reconnecting with ourselves. It’s about remembering our worth and allowing ourselves to be witnessed in our full complexity. In that space of being seen, self-acceptance starts to take root.
Put it into practice
This week, I invite you to turn toward the men in your life—whether a friend, family member, or colleague. If you're a man, challenge yourself to be seen. Share with someone close the practice of turning towards before you reveal something vulnerable. Let them receive you without rushing to "fix" anything, and notice how that feels. This is where connection begins.
•••
If you haven’t already, check out the four posts in this series: An Antidote to Deep Loneliness: The Hidden Path to True Belonging, Reflective Journaling: An Antidote to Loneliness, Gratitude the Antithesis and Antidote to Loneliness, and Articulating Your Needs: The Roadmap from Loneliness to Self-Acceptance.
Need more guidance in practicing this or building deeper self-acceptance? Don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here to help you navigate this journey.
