Repairing Ruptures
“I’m sorry” might be one of the most underused phrases in relationships.
It’s small. Simple. But let’s be honest—it’s also one of the hardest things to say, especially when you’re in the middle of conflict with your partner. It requires staying grounded when emotions are rising, when tension is thick in the room, when your instinct is to defend or withdraw.
To apologize is to take ownership—not of everything, but of your part. However small. It’s a brave move toward reconnection in the middle of disconnection.
Relationships are hard. That’s no surprise. Even the healthiest ones. You love each other. And yet, somehow, you find yourselves in those moments—heated arguments that spiral out of control. One minute you’re talking about what happened in your day, and the next, you’re locked in silence, feeling miles apart.
So what do you do?
You’ve got a choice.
Option one: double down. Fight to win.
Option two: take a breath, pause, and say, “I’m sorry.”
Drs. John and Julie Gottman—leading voices in relationship research—talk about something called a repair attempt. It’s any effort, big or small, to turn back toward your partner. A way to bridge the gap after a rupture. That might sound like:
A gentle hand on the arm or holding your hand.
“Hey… I missed you there.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I love you. We’ll figure this out.”
These moments don’t erase the rupture—but they begin to heal it.
Ruptures are bound to happen. It’s not always betrayal of trust or a massive argument. More often, ruptures are subtle. It’s the moment you misread each other. The eye roll. The sharp tone. The distracted response. Little breaks in connection and moments where partners miss one another.
And it’s in those moments that repair matters most.
In my last blog post, I talked about listening—not to respond, but to understand. And yet even with the best intentions, partners still miss each other. Repair is how we recover. It takes courage to go first. To name your part. To soften when everything in you wants to stay rigid.
Repairs are like relational glue. They don’t erase the rupture or conflict, but they create space for healing and connection.
You don’t repair because your partner is perfect. You repair because you’re committed to becoming the kind of person who chooses love and connection over pride. That’s the real win.
So what does repair look like in real life?
It could be as simple as:
“I can see how that hurts you.”
“I was out of line—I'm sorry.”
“I need a break. I’m coming back in 15 minutes.”
Yet, here’s where it gets hard.
Sometimes, our repair attempts get rejected. Maybe your partner’s too hurt. Or too proud. Or just not ready. These rejections are painful—but don’t let that stop you from trying. In Couples Therapy, I see how rejection of repair looks:
Giving your partner the silent treatment.
Responding with criticism.
Withholding affection.
“That’s not what happened!”
Holding on to resentment instead of accepting an apology.
Over time, rejected repairs can create emotional distance. However, the opposite is also true. When you receive a repair, even while still hurting, it cracks the door open to connection.
Here are a few practical ways to practice repair:
Call a timeout before things spiral – When things escalate, pause. Say how long you need and when you’ll return. (And keep that promise.)
Own your 10% – Even if you’re only partly responsible, name it. Humility invites connection.
Look for repair attempts – They may not always sound like “I’m sorry.” It could be a hand reached out, or a softened tone. Notice the ways your partner says, “I’m still here.”
Admit when you’re flooded – If you’re too overwhelmed to talk, say so. “I’m maxed out, but I want to come back in 15 minutes,” is a repair too.
Imagine if, the next time you argue with your partner, you reach for repair instead of retreating into silence or defensiveness. Imagine if your partner did the same. How would that shift your relationship? What kind of relationship would that build?
Conflict is inevitable. Ruptures will happen. Disconnection doesn’t have to be the final word. Repair is the way back.
So my challenge is this:
Try it. Talk about it with your partner. Notice what kind of repairs work well for both of you. And the next time conflict comes (because it will), choose connection over control. Healing over hurt. That’s how relationships not only survive but thrive.
And if you’re looking for more ways to connect with your partner, I’ll have a final blog to discover ways of turning toward each other. These practical tools can transform the way you navigate conflict, build emotional connection, and foster a stronger bond.
If you find yourself having difficulties in the repair process, we’re here to help. Couples Therapy isn’t about solving the problems or avoiding conflict–it’s about learning new ways to repair to develop connection.
Reach out to schedule a session today, and let’s walk this path together. I’d be honored to hear your story and support you on your journey toward healing, connection, and flourishing.
