Are You Really Listening? How Listening to Understand Develops Connection
“Did you hear what I just said?”
This is a far too common question couples ask each other. We’ve all been there. And if we’re honest, we’ve probably been on the other side of that question too. Tuning out, waiting for our turn to talk, and wanting to fix rather than understand.
Communication is a two-way street. It takes both speaking and listening. And yet, there are moments when we share something with our partner–something real, honest, and vulnerable–and instead of feeling seen, we feel unheard. Misunderstood. Alone.
One partner shares something vulnerable, hoping to be met with empathy. Their partner responds by trying to fix a problem, come up with a solution, be an advisor, or dismiss their emotions and experience. Oftentimes this is not out of retaliation but habit. We desire to make things better as fast as possible.
Healthy relationships aren’t built on fixing–they’re built on connection and understanding. This comes from a kind of listening that makes your partner feel loved and safe.
Most of us think we’re good listeners. But if we’re honest, we’re typically waiting for our turn to talk. We’re preparing our counterpoint and formulating our response. True listening–the kind that builds connection and intimacy–is about setting your agenda aside and stepping into your partner’s world.
In Couples Therapy, I work with partners to develop practical ways to listen to one another. The goal isn’t just to exchange information, but to build spaces of understanding and connection. When couples feel truly heard, their relationship becomes a place of emotional safety, where both partners can express themselves openly and honestly.
Research from The Gottman Institute found that 69% of conflicts in relationships are “perpetual problems”—the same arguments on repeat. The same cycle of frustration, hurt, disconnection, and distance. Simply put, these make couples feel stuck.
But what if the way forward isn’t solving these problems, but understanding them? What if listening could shift your dynamic to foster connection?
So, how do we move from just hearing words to creating connection? A few quick thoughts:
Pause your response. When your partner is talking, resist the urge to craft your reply. Instead, focus on them. Their words. Their tone. Their emotions. Be fully present.
Drop the fix-it mindset. Not everything needs a solution. Sometimes, your partner doesn’t need advice. They just need to feel seen.
Ask open-ended questions. Not yes-or-no, surface-level questions, but the kind that opens doors. “What was that like for you?” or “Tell me more.”
Validate and empathize. You don’t have to agree to understand. Try, “That makes sense” or “I can see why that was hard for you.” Simple words, but powerful.
Listening to understand isn’t easy. It takes practice. It takes commitment and intentionality. And in the rush of daily life—work deadlines, school drop offs, toddler tantrums, and stress—it’s easy to fall back into old patterns. To miss each other’s bids for connection.
That’s why creating rhythms of communication is key. Regular check-ins. Unhurried conversations. Putting the phone down. Making space for presence.
If you find yourself stuck—cycling through the same arguments, feeling distant instead of connected—there’s no shame in getting help. Couples Therapy isn’t about fixing what’s broken. It’s about learning new ways to connect. To listen. To love well.
At the end of the day, relationships aren’t about perfection. They’re about presence. About showing up. About listening—not just with your ears, but with your whole heart.
Are you looking for more ways to connect with your partner? In my upcoming blogs, I’ll share strategies to help couples deepen their connection and communicate more effectively. From repairing ruptures and turning toward each other, these practical tools can transform the way you navigate conflict, build emotional awareness, and foster a stronger bond.
You don’t have to navigate this alone. I’d be honored to hear your story and support you on your journey toward healing and flourishing. Reach out to schedule a session today, and let’s walk this path together.
