Boundaries: the key to a healthy relationship with anxiety
What’s the key to any solid relationship? Boundaries. As Nedra Glover Tawwab says in Set Boundaries, Find Peace, “Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are the gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden.” Boundaries create space for peace and growth, and that’s exactly what we need in our relationship with anxiety.
Befriending your anxiety
In this series, we’ve been taking a different approach to anxiety: befriending it. Last week, we talked about the first practice—taking your anxiety out for coffee—and learning how to sit with it without judgment. This week, we’re talking about boundaries. And trust me, if you want to have a healthy relationship with anxiety, you’ve got to set them.
Boundaries are the foundation of any good relationship, and that includes the one you have with anxiety. You might think, “Wait, if I set boundaries with my anxiety, doesn’t that mean I’m ignoring it or suppressing it?” Hell no. Boundaries aren’t about ignoring; they’re about creating a healthy space for anxiety without letting it control your life.
The problem with anxiety is that it can creep in and start running the show. When you don’t have boundaries, it hijacks your day, your thoughts, and sometimes your life. If anxiety is in control, it’s time to set some clear limits.
It’s that simple.
For most men, unhealthy boundaries with anxiety happen because we’ve been taught to just “deal with it” and “man up.” We don’t talk about it, we push through it, and when it gets bad, we act like we’re failures. That’s bullshit. Anxiety is part of the human experience, not a sign of weakness. And without boundaries, it can build up until it’s all-consuming. That’s why the 3 10’s practice is so important—it helps you set boundaries with your anxiety, so it doesn’t take over your life.
The 3 10's Practice: Set Boundaries with Your Anxiety
1. Let Yourself Mentally Worry for 10 Minutes
First, set a timer for 10 minutes. Grab a pen and paper and just let yourself worry—write down everything that’s on your mind. Don’t hold back, don’t censor yourself. Write it all out. If it feels like a mess, that’s fine. Just dump it all on the page. When the timer goes off, stop. No matter what, stop writing. That’s your boundary. You gave yourself 10 minutes of worrying, and now you’re done.
2. Let Yourself Physically Worry for 10 Minutes
Now reset the timer, but this time, get your body moving. Run, do push-ups, jump around, whatever gets the anxiety out physically. The goal is to release that tension and shake off the mental clutter. It doesn’t have to be a full-on workout, just enough to get your blood pumping. Again, when the timer goes off, stop. That’s your second boundary: no more physical anxiety release after 10 minutes.
3. Take Care of Yourself
After you’ve mentally and physically released your anxiety, take a moment to care for yourself. You’ve set your boundaries, and now it’s time to reset. Breathe deeply, hydrate, and do something that helps you feel good—whether it’s listening to music, taking a walk, or just chilling for a minute. This is your reward for honoring your boundaries.
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How to Make the 3 10’s Work for You
To make the 3 10’s practice work, set yourself up for success. Find a quiet space where you can focus without distractions. Set aside specific times each day to practice—maybe in the morning, after work, or before bed. The more you do it, the more natural it will feel to set these boundaries with your anxiety.
Let’s say you’ve got an upcoming presentation, and anxiety is kicking in.
First, for 10 minutes, write down everything you’re worrying about—messing up, forgetting your points, or not being prepared.
Then, for the next 10 minutes, do something physical to release that tension—run, lift weights, or do some jumping jacks.
Afterward, take a few minutes to relax and recharge. Maybe listen to some music or meditate for a bit.
Try it this week
This week, give the 3 10’s practice a shot. Set aside time to worry for 10 minutes, move for 10 minutes, and then take care of yourself. You’ll start to notice that anxiety doesn’t have the same grip on you—it can still show up, but it doesn’t get to take over.
Boundaries are about giving your anxiety a place without letting it run your life. You don’t have to ignore it, but you do need to make sure it doesn’t hijack your every moment.
If you need more support or guidance, reach out. And if you missed the first two blogs in this series, check them out to build a stronger relationship with your anxiety.
Now go ahead and practice those boundaries this week. You’ve got this.
