How to Engage in Healthy Conflict For Your Relationship
Disagreements and arguments happen in relationships. While they are not fun, it’s important to understand that conflict, to some degree, is inevitable. It might be surprising to hear, but there is such a thing as healthy conflict in a relationship. When it is done right, disagreements don't have to end with you screaming at each other or frustrated and icing each other out.
In this post, we will talk about the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict in a relationship, the most common causes, and finally, how to move past it.
Before we go any further, we want to note that physical conflict is never acceptable or okay in a relationship. When we are referring to conflict, we are talking about verbal arguments or disagreements.
How To Have Healthy Conflict In Your Relationship
Causes of conflict
There can be many triggers or causes of conflict in a relationship. For many those include differences in:
Beliefs— this could be spiritual, educational, ethical, religious, political, or other belief systems.
Personalities— one person in the relationship may be more outgoing, while the other one is quiet. One may be a morning person, while the other one is a night owl. One final example is one person may enjoy going out and doing things while the other person is a homebody.
Values— this goes along with beliefs, but this includes moral and ethical values.
Large age gaps in a relationship — This isn’t to say that there is something wrong with age gaps when both parties are of age. What is important is to realize that large age gaps can lead to conflict when you are in different stages of your lives. For some couples, this can lead to conflicting priorities.
Wanting to resolve differences instead of managing them. Sometimes it truly is better to agree to disagree and manage the differences instead of always having a definitive resolution.
Changing the other person. This builds off of the example above, but it’s essential to decide if you can handle the differences in your partner or not. At the same time, you need to decide how the changes you’re looking for your partner to make will impact not only the two of you but those around you.
What is healthy conflict?
Healthy conflict is quite literally a healthier key in the conflict in a relationship. When healthy conflict occurs you and your partner both leave the conversation better than when you first entered it. Healthy conflict doesn't mean you two are smiling at each other and laughing when you are arguing about something. Instead, healthy conflict refers to your ability to keep things controlled and tame between you.
Examples of this include:
After the conflict, you and your partner feel more connected, heard, and understood.
Both parties during the conversation and were gentle with each other and didn't scream or belittle each other during the argument.
Using “I” statements instead of “you.” This would include saying, “I felt this way when...” instead of saying, “You did this, and you made me feel this way…”
Now that we’ve covered the causes of conflict and what healthy conflict is, it’s time to go through four ways to engage in healthy conflict.
Engaging In Healthy Conflict
Sometimes, you just need to agree to disagree. You don't have to agree on everything in a relationship. But you should always respect each other's opinions when differences occur.
Actively listen to each other. When they are talking, don't interrupt them if at all possible. If you do need to interject, make sure it's to only ask a question or to say things like, "I understand what you are saying." When you are in a disagreement, try to ignore distractions such as the TV or your phone.
Learn to admit your mistakes. Sometimes, it's difficult to apologize or admit when we messed up. However, you should always be cognizant of the role you may have played in a certain situation.
If you find that you are arguing consistently with your partner and you aren't sure why, don't hesitate to reach out for support through couples therapy. It might be the missing piece you need to get your relationship back on track.